I have not written recently. I have felt stuck. I now know why. There has been a seemingly endless stream of comments on Twitter and elsewhere about the causes of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) which blame birth parents. By the same token others write that RAD is way overblown, that causes of the behavior problems of children lie elsewhere and cannot be the fault of parents. This kind of talk gets me down and I find it difficult to think well. Now that I’ve got a handle on that, I can share my thoughts.
Blame and fault are irrelevant concepts in most situations. Blame and fault are always irrelevant when healing a child with RAD. Here is how I see it.
In my experience it is almost always true that the birth parents of a RADish did some horrific things to the child. Let’s face it, abuse and neglect of an infant or small toddler are absolutely awful and uncacceptable. When I think about my child’s story I cringe, become teary eyed, and feel anger toward her birth mom and other adults in her early life. That’s normal and understandable.
However, that’s all about me and my feelings, which I have to manage. Our children need to heal. They need to learn their stories. Without healing, they act out the feelings of anger and rage, fear and deep grief in seemingly senseless ways. They take most of it out on birth parents, if they continue to live with them, adoptive or foster parents, and sometimes other children.
To heal, our RAD children must take in their stories and experience all those feelings in a therapeutic setting where there is compassion and support for them. Yes, then they can and must finally direct their rage and anger at the source, their birth parents and the abuse and neglect they suffered early in life. This is why therapy and therapeutic parenting for RAD children is essential if they are going to grow into adults who can lead healthy lives and have healthy relationships.
Throughout this process, we as parents can show the strength of our love and compassion for our children. We can also show compassion for birth parents. As horrific as their parenting might have been, in almost all cases they were doing the best they could with whatever emotional and physical health they had. Let’s remember that all birth parents carry the baggage of their own stories as they enter parenting. Parents of kids with RAD carry severe emotional baggage which they act out as parents! When we model our compassion, there is a chance that our RAD children can carry out that final and difficult step in their healing which is to find compassion in their hearts for the birth parent who hurt them so badly. This is where the greatest healing occurs.
Let us also remember that an unquantified and perhaps unquantifiable number of RAD cases arise from separations of parents and children having nothing to do with abuse or neglect. Illness and hospitalization of birth moms can result in poor attachment. Preemies hospitalized for any length of time can result in poor attachment.
Simply speaking, here is my call. Let’s stop the playing blame game. It helps no one. Let’s focus on our ability to love our children and be compassionate. That is the path to healing.
What do you think? How does compassion help you and your child? I know that there are other viewpoints about these issues. If you have a different opinion, I would love to hear from you. Please send along your thoughts in the comment section below.
If you are trying to be a stronger and more compassionate parent to your RAD kid and finding that difficult to do, please contact me about Advanced Parenting coaching. I would be more than happy to provide you with a complimentary session. I look forward to hearing from you.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I really like this posting. It seems we are on the same page. The placement team sends requests for so many children multiple diagnoses. We begin to identify the children more by their diagnoses, life circumstances rather that little human beings that we have the ability to love and shape with the right tools and understanding.
As an adoptive parent of a RAD child, who is now an adult, it is hard to read these things. Right now I am the target of the hate, the anger, and the blamed person for the child’s problems (she’s almost 20 now). There was no help for her or me when she was little and I eventually had to give her up to someone else.
Today there “seems” to be more help, but still a lot of blame to the caregivers and parents who are only trying to help the child move past these issues that caused their attachment disorder. I just feel that no one can truly understand if they’ve not been there.
Thank you for trying to get the word out.
Stephanie,
Thank you for your comments and kind words. I am very sorry about what happened to you. This is a big problem that is swept under the rug. The result is lack of information and resources which results in so many tragedies. We have children who can heal, yet without resources the most well-meaning and loving parents can’t get the help that they and their children need. We, the parents of kids with RAD and our supporters, must continually insist on more and better services to change all this. That’s part of what this blog is for.
Thank you for your kind words and comments. Keep reading and stay in touch!
I think we really made a shift with my daughter when I quit blaming her and blaming myself for the RAD. As our therapists says, “Quit shoulding yourself.” As I was able to show more compassion for her inability to share emotions and the more we openly discussed the first nine months of her life, she opened up and started expressing her feelings more…plus took the initiative to learn to differentiate feelings she has. Now, not everything is happy, sad, mad or scared. She is starting to show nuances. And now she is more aware of the people around her and the feelings they are experiencing.
Lanita,
Thanks for writing. What a testimonial to the power of compassion. And congratulations to your daughter as well.