One of the more serious difficulties faced by parents of Challenging Children is triangulation or splitting. Simply stated this is when sweetums sets one parent against the other. Of course this is something that can happen in any family.
You know the drill. “Mom, can I get an ice cream cone?” Mom: “No.” Later to Dad, “Can I get an ice cream cone?” Dad: “Sure. Let’s go get one now.” And Dad to Mom: “Sweetheart, want to come with us to get a cone?” And Mom either to herself or to Dad: “Grrrr. I already told her, no.”
This kind of splitting, bad enough with healthy children, is particularly insidious for Challenging Children. When they split parents, the message they are getting is, “Dad and Mom are weak. I really am in charge here.” This is not good for you or the child. For you it is crazy making. For the child it is plain and simple not healthy. It impedes their healing process because our children require a tightly structured environment in order to heal. They need to know that they have a strong Mom and Dad who will be in charge and take care of them. Only then can they learn to trust and submit to your parental authority.
A classic splitting scenario involves the family where Mom is at home holding the fort and dealing with sweetums. Dad is at work and is unaware of all that Mom is dealing with on a day to day basis. Mom is confronted with one antic or another of their Challenging Child. Dad comes home. Mom is exhausted and wants Dad to take over. And then Dad, unwittingly unaware of how sweetums has been acting out all day, comes in the door and there’s sweetums running up to Dad for a hug. Without even saying hello to exhausted Mom, Dad swoops up sweetums, “Hi, and how’s my girl been today!” Sweetums smiles back sweetly and with all her charm says, “Good, Dad.” Mom, of course, is fuming. And all the while, sweetums is thinking to herself, “Hah! Got ‘em again. I’ll show them who’s really in charge here.”
Whoa. If that sounds even close to what goes on in your home, it must stop. Now. It is time for you to be in charge and let sweetums know that she cannot come between you anymore. Got it?
Okay, Mom and Dad, you need to sit down and get on the same page about how the two of you will handle your dear child. Here are 8 critical tips for you.
- Dad, you must understand what is going on at home when you are safely out of the house.
- Mom, you have to level with Dad and tell him what is going on when he is not at home.
- Dad, you must resolve to believe every word that Mom is telling you.
- The two of you must agree that when Dad comes home, the very first thing he is to do is swoop Mom up into a hug and ask her how her day has been.
- And then, Dad, ask Mom what you can do to support her. If Mom wants a bubble bath, you make sure she can get it. If Mom wants a massage, you give it to her or send her out for her favorite luxurious massage. Whatever Mom wants, Mom gets.
- Then, and only then, Dad, attend to sweetums. Since you have just now arrived at home, Mom will tell you what you need to be doing.
- As for other efforts sweetums will make to split you, such as asking one of you for something after the other has already said no, always be suspicious. Whenever sweetums makes a request, check with your spouse before responding.
- Never fall for, “But Dad, Mom already said I could.” Or anything like that.
Tell us how your Challenging Child has attempted to split you and your spouse. What have you done about it? Please let us know in the comments section below. If you have any questions about splitting or any other Advanced Parenting topics, please let me know.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
We are so blessed in this area. It hardly ever happens at my house. We tag-team really well. Early on, the kids and I would arrive from afternoon pick-ups, with dad about 15 minutes behind us. As soon as he hit the door, I would give him the list of who needed what discipline (which is mostly what we did in those days), and he would take over from there, while I started dinner. We were probably like a two-headed creature to them.
One of the things we have always done is to tell the kiddos, that if we found out they already asked the other parent, there would definitely be consequences. To use your example about the ice cream, once we discovered that they had been told, “No,” it might mean no ice cream for a week. Then, we’d be sure and plan an ice-cream outing over the next few days for the other kids just to make a point. Since triangulating has never worked with mom and dad, we have never really had a problem with it. I wish I could say the same for extended family, but I cannot.
Some friends, who are the parents of an autistic child once told me that 80% of marriages involving special needs children fail. It’s easy to see how that could be.
Dawn, truly you are blessed. I love the ice cream example you used. Parents all over the place can learn from you and your husband.
It wouldn’t surprise me if 80% is accurate. The stresses put on a marriage by the needs of Challenging Children are incredible. Some of the accounts I have read of family lives tear my heart out. It is a wonder that those marriages do survive.
Thanks Michael….we have plenty of areas where we struggle; this just doesn’t happen to be one of them. In fact, we have a young woman who helps us out a lot. We call her our nanny, but she really does so much more. Anyway, when she is around, dad is usually with one child or working at home, and I am often with a child or cooking in the kitchen. When she assigns a task to one of the other kids, and that kid tries to involve dad or me, we send him/her back to the nanny for further instructions. She says one of the reasons she likes working for us, is that she knows we will back up whatever she is doing with the kids. Of course, we have trained her how to address the RAD issues. Somtimes, I think she is better at it than we are (without the nurturing component of course). She is even great about directing the kids back to us for nurturing. Yes, we truly are blessed!
There are many of us who would consider you extremely fortunate to have the kind of help you have. Your nanny is obviously very wise. If I can be of any service to you in the areas where you and your husband are struggling, please let me know.
Thanks Michael….we have plenty of areas where we struggle; this just doesn’t happen to be one of them. In fact, we have a young woman who helps us out a lot. We call her our nanny, but she really does so much more. Anyway, when she is around, dad is usually with one child or working at home, and I am often with a child or cooking in the kitchen. When she assigns a task to one of the other kids, and that kid tries to involve dad or me, we send him/her back to the nanny for further instructions. She says one of the reasons she likes working for us, is that she knows we will back up whatever she is doing with the kids. Of course, we have trained her how to address the RAD issues. Somtimes, I think she is better at it than we are (without the nurturing component of course). She is even great about directing the kids back to us for nurturing. Yes, we truly are blessed!
+1
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Thank you for your kind remarks! I do want to provide useful content here. To me that’s the entire point. Beyond that, though, I do provide Advanced Parenting classes, coaching and training, and I hope that folks who find my information valuable will either utilize my services or refer me to folks who might need/want them. Thank you for whatever you might do.
I look forward to your future comments.