by michael on August 16, 2010
Raising a Challenging Child, a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), can be extremely difficult and, obviously, challenging. All too often parents don’t know what they are facing when their child shows the signs and symptoms of RAD. In all too many cases those parents do not know where to turn for help. They know something is wrong. Their child is not behaving like a “normal” child and they do not know why. They may consult with a therapist and if the therapist is not familiar with RAD, far too frequently, the therapist may make an incorrect diagnosis, provide the wrong treatment, and prescribe ineffective medication, all of which may make matters worse for their child.
That is why I am here. I am here to help those parents. I am a trained Life Coach and a Certified Advanced Parenting Instructor/Trainer/Coach. Nancy Thomas has been a therapeutic parent and trainer for more than thirty years. She has adopted and fostered some of the toughest Challenging Children you can imagine. Under her care most of those kids have healed and thrive as adults. Nancy has trained thousands of parents. The demand for her services far outweighs her capacity to work with parents and children. To get parents the help they need, she has trained and certified Advanced Parenting Instructors/Trainers/Coaches such as myself.
Here is what I do to help parents and others who are around Challenging Children:
- I provide coaching and training to couples or individual parents who want to develop or add to their Advanced Parenting skills. For more information about my coaching, go here.
- I teach an eight week series of classes to preparer parents to be Advanced Parents which kids with RAD desperately need. The classes can be delivered as an old fashioned class or as a webinar on line. I can present the series to groups (preferred) or to individuals. To learn more about my classes, go here.
- I offer pre-adoption counseling to people considering adoption or are in the process of adopting to prepare them to adopt a child at risk for RAD (such as an older child or a child known to have been neglected or abused). This counseling may be done together or on the phone. To learn more about pre-adoption counseling, go here.
- I provide respite care to parents living in Northern California or passing through. You can see more about respite care here.
- I present workshops and trainings to professionals, such as therapists, social workers, teachers, child care providers, and others who might work with Challenging Children. This can be done in the old fashioned face to face manner or as a webinar or teleseminar. For more information about these services, go here.
- I maintain this blog where I offer tips to parents and my thoughts about RAD.
If you wish to utilize any of my services, please do not hesitate to contact me to learn more. There is absolutely no obligation. If you are interested in my coaching services, I would be more than delighted to offer you a complimentary coaching session. Just as important, all of us need to be on the lookout for the vast number of parents who are floundering with their Challenging Children and get them help. If you know of anyone like that, please steer them my way so they can check me out and what I do.
What help have you found to assist you in parenting your Challenging Child? What additional help would be useful? Please let us know in the comments section below.
by michael on August 2, 2010
I have not written recently. I have felt stuck. I now know why. There has been a seemingly endless stream of comments on Twitter and elsewhere about the causes of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) which blame birth parents. By the same token others write that RAD is way overblown, that causes of the behavior problems of children lie elsewhere and cannot be the fault of parents. This kind of talk gets me down and I find it difficult to think well. Now that I’ve got a handle on that, I can share my thoughts.
Blame and fault are irrelevant concepts in most situations. Blame and fault are always irrelevant when healing a child with RAD. Here is how I see it.
In my experience it is almost always true that the birth parents of a RADish did some horrific things to the child. Let’s face it, abuse and neglect of an infant or small toddler are absolutely awful and uncacceptable. When I think about my child’s story I cringe, become teary eyed, and feel anger toward her birth mom and other adults in her early life. That’s normal and understandable.
However, that’s all about me and my feelings, which I have to manage. Our children need to heal. They need to learn their stories. Without healing, they act out the feelings of anger and rage, fear and deep grief in seemingly senseless ways. They take most of it out on birth parents, if they continue to live with them, adoptive or foster parents, and sometimes other children.
To heal, our RAD children must take in their stories and experience all those feelings in a therapeutic setting where there is compassion and support for them. Yes, then they can and must finally direct their rage and anger at the source, their birth parents and the abuse and neglect they suffered early in life. This is why therapy and therapeutic parenting for RAD children is essential if they are going to grow into adults who can lead healthy lives and have healthy relationships.
Throughout this process, we as parents can show the strength of our love and compassion for our children. We can also show compassion for birth parents. As horrific as their parenting might have been, in almost all cases they were doing the best they could with whatever emotional and physical health they had. Let’s remember that all birth parents carry the baggage of their own stories as they enter parenting. Parents of kids with RAD carry severe emotional baggage which they act out as parents! When we model our compassion, there is a chance that our RAD children can carry out that final and difficult step in their healing which is to find compassion in their hearts for the birth parent who hurt them so badly. This is where the greatest healing occurs.
Let us also remember that an unquantified and perhaps unquantifiable number of RAD cases arise from separations of parents and children having nothing to do with abuse or neglect. Illness and hospitalization of birth moms can result in poor attachment. Preemies hospitalized for any length of time can result in poor attachment.
Simply speaking, here is my call. Let’s stop the playing blame game. It helps no one. Let’s focus on our ability to love our children and be compassionate. That is the path to healing.
What do you think? How does compassion help you and your child? I know that there are other viewpoints about these issues. If you have a different opinion, I would love to hear from you. Please send along your thoughts in the comment section below.
If you are trying to be a stronger and more compassionate parent to your RAD kid and finding that difficult to do, please contact me about Advanced Parenting coaching. I would be more than happy to provide you with a complimentary session. I look forward to hearing from you.
